Disclaimer: The following contains disses against terrible romance writers and clichés in general. Cry-babies and easily offended people are warned to turn away now. No romance writers were harmed in the making of this post.
Romance novels have always been popular. There just something about the shirtless men and half naked women depicted on the covers that speaks to our souls. They are also highly clichéd with a few managing to truly stand out. But you’re not here to learn how to make your romance novel actually unique and original. Because that would just suck big time and we all know originality is a horrible, horrible thing. You’re here to learn how to fit in with the millions of copy pasted trash that passes for good literature. Here’s how your book can become one of them.
THE PROTAGONIST: This is the soul of the novel. The one that’s meant to represent the millions of desperately lonely women that will read your book. So how can you make sure she’s an adequate representation of the diverse souls that will partake of your bookish delights? Here are a few easy commandments:
1. Let There Be White, Black, Asian or otherwise non-white protagonists simply don’t exist in romance universe. While they may make an appearance as the best friend who stands by supportively, the focus is on the devastatingly white lead. You may describe her skin as being as white as snow or the colour of freshly made milk. She may occasionally have a tan, but that’s when the author wishes to show that her character is strong, independent and doesn’t need no man to take care of her.
2. You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful! It is a well-known fact that Protagonist romantica the typical White Lead, is drop dead gorgeous. Her perfectly sculpted face is an architectural masterpiece that possesses the ability to turn all men, regardless of their sexual orientation, into her drooling slaves. She is described with phrases like her thick, blonde goddess hair cascaded down to back, her eyes were liquid pools of azure glory, and she possessed a pair of utterly kissable lips that set his groin afire. But the protagonist can never know that she is beautiful! Despite the fact that the sight of her face causes orgasms within a three kilometer radius, she will remain utterly oblivious of her curse, relying on the LOVE INTEREST (see second column) to remind her of that fact.
3. I Give You the Gift of Stupidity. Your lead must be stupid and incapable of seeing danger until her head (and body) are right in the middle of it. How else can you explain the many pregnancies and marriage contracts she seems to stumble into on a daily basis? Also if there is a murderer/kidnapper on the loose, she will most certainly be kidnapped and have to be saved by the LOVE INTEREST, who she must hate by the way. Heavens knows women cannot simply save themselves. It simply isn’t done.
4. The Blood of a Virgin. This is the most important rule. The Protagonist simply cannot have had any sexual experience prior to meeting the LOVE INTEREST. How else is he supposed to introduce the subtle art of love making? How else are we supposed to know that she’s not a slut? Some writers go the extra mile and even make the Protagonist a kiss virgin, which is ridiculous when you consider Commandment 2.
THE LOVE INTEREST: He is your hook. The one whose shirtless body on the cover will attract flocks of readers. Writing him, as with any other character is a delicate art a ridiculously easy thing once you follow the rules below!
1. Wait… We Need Diversity! Realizing that they might be accused of not being diverse enough, the League of Bad Romance Writers went to work and came up with an easy work around. Make the Love Interest non-white. He is usually Greek, Italian, Roman or any other ‘an’ that will make sure his skin is nicely brown, but not too black. Hurray for diversity.
2. Money Talks. The Love Interest simply cannot be poor, and so he is usually a billionaire/CEO. His company is inexplicably one of the best in the world, despite not often being a tech company (like Google or Apple) or a sales behemoth (like Amazon). He doesn’t even go to work, preferring to spend his time sleeping with truckloads of women, or sulking because the PROTAGONIST refused to sleep with him. Sometimes he is also a prince. Anything really, as long as he has enough dough to throw at the ungrateful PROTAGONIST.
3. Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me? Loveinteresta romantica var. billionaire or the Typical Love Interest, is always in peak, physical condition. Their perfectly formed triceps and eight packs, chiseled jaw line, blue eyes and bearded visage combine to give them extraordinary powers. The mere sight of him has proven powerful enough to cause women to spontaneously burst into flames, and chicks fall over themselves in their haste to spread their legs for him.
4. Whatever I Don’t Care. Arrogance. This is the primary trait the Love Interest must have in order to make a successful novel. Why else would the PROTAGONIST hate him immediately? He must be a jerk, that treats women like trash and is convinced that people suck epically. But that’s okay! He’s actually a tortured soul that got his heart broken that one time so that excuses all his episodes of complete and utter douche baggery. All he needs is the gentle love of the PROTAGONIST to get him to love again. Piece of cake.
THE SEX: And now we’ve come to the apex, the holy grail, the real reason why people actually read romance novels. The part where the PROTAGONIST and the LOVE INTEREST get to smash their uglies together. Writing it is the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is follow this one, simple commandment.
1. Thou Shalt Not Ever, Ever, Describe Sex Like a Normal Person. You’re a writer, which means describing sex as it actually is, is beneath your skills as a custodian of literature. You must use flowery language and epic metaphors to write such a glorious act. Here are a few examples.
‘He grunted and spread her legs and with a mighty thrust, split her innocence asunder’.
‘She threw him to the ground and rode him, her quivering quim stretched tight around his pulsating massiveness’.
‘The sheer size of him drove her wild; his girth a decadence she couldn’t help but enjoy’.
‘Her world exploded when he entered her, and her waist rose to meet with his glorious thrusts’.
She wept with joy as he drilled her and when she begged for more, the sound of her cries catapulted him to the tenth nirvana.
Thank you for tuning in.
This has been a How To guide.